Is it really the end?

You know how they say that there’s always a choice? Sometimes, we are left with only one - Letting Go.

No matter how devastated it would make us feel, we are just obligated to do so. What hurts most is letting go of the person you’ve loved and waited for a very long time. It doesn’t matter how much you love them and how much you’re willing to fight for what you feel, when their happiness is involved you just have to step down. 

I wish you get what you’re hoping for, and I’ll make sure I will no longer be in your way. Goodbye, love. 

I’m having a hard time elaborating on this because I don’t want people to know more about what really happened, I’m sorry. 

We all want nothing but the truth.

Why do people lie? Why are they mostly the people we trust, love and care about? Whether it’s to prevent us from getting hurt or just plain easier than telling the truth, we all want to hear nothing but the truth. 

I’m not being a hypocrite or anything, I know I don’t tell the truth at all times - I’m no saint - but I always try to do so. 

Step by step

I pampered myself today and it felt awesome. I went out to watch The Hunger Games alone and bought myself a treat at Starbucks - a place I rarely go to because of their extremely overpriced yet heavenly treats, ha! I felt relaxed and problem-free. I need to get out of the house more often because I might find myself out there! 

There’s nothing much to talk about, I’m just happy this day happened. Hope you guys had a great day, too! 

Oh wait, I did something stupid pala. I messaged my ex on facebook, and I said, “Congrats *insert name here*! :) See you around.” After pressing the ‘enter’ button, first thought - DAFUQ DID I JUST DO. That sounded desperate, I wish I could get that back! Oh well, must. not. ruin. the. day. Goodbye! 

Who am I?

I used to think that I’m a person who has good intentions but bad ideas. In reality, I feel like I do nothing but BAD. Am I doing my responsibilities as a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a girlfriend and a friend? 

Lately, everything has been a little shaky. I came into a little fight with my dad yesterday -which I know was my fault - but he didn’t have to say such hurtful words like saying when we grow up we might end up being GRO’s. Where are those words coming from? I just got shy from asking where does your assistant live and all of a sudden these words come out of your mouth? I’m your daughter, I’m surprised you would even think of me becoming a prostitute. Let’s rewind a little bit here and review what happened before that… 

I was still sleeping by 8:40 something, you wanted me to wake up because by 9 we have to go over to your brother’s house and fix some of our things there. Great way to say good morning, pa. Then, you made me look for a trolley to bring to your assistant’s house and when we got there, I don’t actually know where the house is, so I had to ask but then I got shy and there was a dog (but in a cage, but was big and barking like it wants to eat me) so I got scared. Cutting the story short, I finally gave the trolley but my dad was already furious about it. (sorry for the but’s!) The horror when I came back in the car! He’s talking in a deep loud voice, “magtanong lang, hindi mo pa kaya? nasanay kayo sa buhay na lahat binibigay lang sa inyo. nasanay kayo sa kumportableng buhay. hindi niyo kasi naramdaman yung hirap na ginawa namin nung nag-aaral pa kami. paano pag nawala kami ng mama niyo, anong mangyayari sa inyo? baka maging GRO nalang kayo!” WHOA WHOA WHOA what did you just say? Where are all these coming from? I got shy from asking one question! ONE QUESTION! I didn’t want to go to Paris in the first place! I wanted my life here years ago. Just to remind you, you never paid tuition fees for school. Naghirap naman kaming mag-aral ah! And just to let you know, I wanted to continue my secondary in city high not in some fancy school else where! I was still dragged into the 3 years of craziness, it cost me an awesome boyfriend, close friends and great high school life which could’ve lead me to ATENEO. Well, that’s all gone now. But wait, I did my best at school, learned french in 6 months, became 3rd in class competing with french students, and you think I didn’t struggle my way through this? I can’t do this anymore, I feel like I’m a terrible person saying all of these, so I’ll just stop. 

To be continued…

A New Beginning

I’ll be studying in De La Salle University. 

Many people know that my dream school is or was Ateneo de Manila University, but too bad I didn’t make it there. I got shattered when I saw, well when I didn’t see my name on the list. I did my best — I studied hard, I prayed before and after the exam, I tried to answer all of the questions in a very limited time, but I just wasn’t good enough. That dream, I just watched it burst into little pieces for me to re-assemble into something bigger.

DLSU, a school I never really thought I’d go to. I’ve heard things about this university like; students are not that smart, they’re just rich, and they always come in second to ADMU, as a gullible little girl, I believed every single one of them. Well now, I’ll be like one of those people I thought I wouldn’t be. It’s time to change these judgements and prove them and myself wrong. I’m letting go of the old dream, and building a new one with La Salle; My Future Starts Here.  

What over thinking does to you

I’ve been wearing my poker face the whole day because I still have thoughts roaming in my head. As I previously told you, I spent my whole afternoon with le boyfriend yesterday, and since then I’ve never been more clingy in my life! I didn’t like receiving replies 10 mins after my text message, I wanted it pronto. I wanted him to talk me, only! All I felt was — being ignored and not being the priority. It sucked. 

The world doesn’t rotate around him, I should take a step back and learn to breathe in everything that surrounds me. I should not be so clingy as to not hurt myself. Boys never understand girls, so teach me how to be one of the boys instead. I’m tired of being the one who always looks for you. From now on, I promise myself that I’ll be better than this. It’ll hurt me couple of times but I know I’ll get through it. 

I don’t know what the hell did I just say but my head wants those words to come out. 

I had a good day but a bad night.

Good days usually end with bad nights, don’t they? Psychological. 

That occurs because during the day, you are happy, you feel like you have everything that gives that awesome bliss (yes, I said awesome ;), and you have nothing more to ask. At the end of the day, when the fun stops, you start to think about all the things that have happened. You can continue being as happy as a clam or you go from thinking to over-thinking which will lead you to the other side — that’s what happened to me today. 

I spent the whole day with le boyfriend, I felt happy that I am actually forcing myself to move on from my ex. I was trying to see through him, like making sure if he’s sincere with what he’s feeling for me (we’ve been together for more than a year, but I don’t trust him one hundred percent — it’s what I’ve learned from my past relationships, don’t judge). And I did, I saw him and he loves me. Oh the bliss! 

…but the day had to end. I went home and it was all gone. Being my stupid normal self I started to over-think, I bet you know what happened next: bottom of the Earth. You know, the “what if” questions, like, what if it was just for show, what if he suddenly realizes we don’t belong with each other. That would really suck, but all you can do is think and try to talk to him but I can’t. He was drinking with his friends the whole night while I was waiting for him (because I want my happiness to continue). When they were done, I got the chance to talk to him, finally! But do you want to know what he did? He left me hanging, he slept while I was in the middle of telling him something! 

How long do you think you can hold it in?

Can you keep whatever you’re feeling to yourself for a long period of time? Can you hold everything in and in the end know that you would not explode? 

I can’t; I try. I over-think a couple of times in a day, mostly about le boyfriend. My thoughts usually lead me to an unwanted situation. I often get hurt, my heart is beating fast and strong that I feel like it just wants to get ripped out of my chest, I feel my blood going through every vein in my body and tears start to build up. Some of these thoughts/judgements are false, some are partly true, and of course, some are true. 

When I get sad/hurt, I keep it to myself — I don’t tell him even if the judgements are true. Only for the reason of not getting into a fight. I want to show him and myself that I’m strong, I can get through everything alone. So when I’m down, I do my best to get back up and merely choose to be happy.

Want to know what’s sad about that? Everything will hit you back eventually and you won’t be strong enough to fight it. Hence, exploding. I’m still finding ways on how to cope with that. I’ll update you as soon as I figure it out. 

Late night - early morning thoughts

I’m, unfortunately, going back to the person who I used to be — always over-thinking, crying over the past, thinking that I’m alone. I’m having a hard time letting go of the things I should have long forgotten. But why?

Could my feelings towards my ex explain all of this? Could it be that if we have a heart to heart talk things could go better? 

One problem… I’m currently in a relationship, so I have tons of questions roaring inside my head. Like, why do I keep on thinking about my ex if I’m happy with my present partner? Or am I not happy? Is it because the other one is more successful in life than the other? Or is it because my ex and I had ended a relationship we both wanted to continue? 

Pardon me for this confusing blog. Questions just keep popping in my head, I don’t know how to deal with them. I might as well sleep, I think it’s for the best. Good night.

What’s going on?

Hey tumblr! Or at least to the people who’re still following me, hey there! ;)

It’s been ages since I last posted here. But here I am blogging because I got inspired by my cousin who, surprisingly, is into blogging also. I just finished reading his “unspoken thoughts,” and I was speechless on the topics he was talking about. He has given me the inspiration to do the same - blog about whatever that comes my way. 

So I will start with what’s really going on with my family. My mother was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. Months ago while we were still in Paris, my mom noticed a lump on her left breast. Since we were nearing to going back in the Philippines, my parents decided to wait (because medical check-up in France is very expensive). A friend of my mom who has been living in Paris for more than 10 years now, is a breast cancer survivor. She warned my mom about this lump and told her to get it checked-up as soon as possible. 

On the 3rd of February, around 18hours, our plane landed in NAIA terminal 1. By the time we arrived home, and saw my two sisters, my mom told them about the “tumor.” We immediately made an appointment with my tita, who is a former anesthesiologist (yes, that is a mouthful) but is now a cosmetic surgeon due to unwanted events which I think I’m not allowed to talk about. The following Monday, my tita voiced to my mom that she has to go to St Luke’S QC for a mammogram, and so we did. Results showed that there was a tumor on her left breast. The next step was to consult a doctor who specializes in breast cancer. My mother’s sister, tita #2, is a medical doctor but no longer works in a hospital, referred us to a specialist (Dra) in St Luke’s Global City. Dra at once, made an arrangement for a biopsy. Then on, we found out that it was STAGE 2 BREAST CANCER. And after running more tests in the hospital, doctors suggested to do a mastectomy (removal of the breast) and to remove all the lymph nodes in her left armpit. February 22nd, Ash Wednesday, the surgery was successful. My mom’s left breast is gone, and so is the 6-inch tumor. 

Yesterday, March 19 2012, She had her first chemotherapy. She hasn’t been eating well since, but she’s okay. She’s taking medications as to prevent her from vomiting, but she still has loose bowel movement (LBM). Second day today, she’s doing better than yesterday and I’m hoping she’ll recover fast. :) 

Dear friends and/or followers, 

I am sincerely asking you to add my family in your prayers, especially my mom. She needs all the strength she has in her body to overcome what’s she’s going through. Help us also to be strong for her, and show no weakness to her so that she’ll know she WILL get through this. Thank you.

I don’t know who I’ve become.

All I know is when I think about it, it doesn’t make me happy. And I’m not proud of myself. :(

I’LL KILL YOU WITH KINDNESS O:)